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your lies

i only needed one thing from you
you had me
all of me
i was naked for you
gave you my truth
my soul
i wanted you to know
that i loved you
more than anything
and i showed you in any way i could
god did i ever love you
my body filled with butterflies at just the mention of your name
i just wanted honesty
no matter how hard it would be to hear
that’s all we had
you and me
the chance to be honest
we lived in a world of lies
i just needed your truth…
and you lied
over and over and over
i am tired of hearing how much you love me
i am tired of remembering moments
that break me
i am tired
i grieve for things that never existed
i cried over memories
that were never real to begin with
you made me the fool
i gave you my truth
and all you could do was lie
you ruined me
how can i ever trust
in the words “i love you”
after you

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i am afraid to dream
and so i am afraid to sleep
elusive sleep
it’s like you are back in my life
keeping me awake in these midnight hours
making myself crazy
over you
you are not even here
but you are
just when i think
enough time has passed
that you are gone
that you no longer affect me
here you are
tearing me apart
breaking me down
all over again
i’ve lost all hope
that you will ever let me go
you won’t ever let me go

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in dreams

you have been there
ever present
in the dark recesses of my mind

i dream of you
i am in a constant haze
of in between
awake and asleep

and you are there
haunting me
reminding me
over and over

how very real you are

some dreams
come and go gently
allowing me peace
and although i know you’ve been there
you left nothing behind
no footprints on my heart
you crept away quietly
as if your soul knew
the devastation it would bring to mine

others are so vivid
so real
that if i reached out
i know i would feel your skin
warm on my finger tips

i wake up
and cannot distinguish
truth from fiction

so real – so natural
that i check my phone
to find the email you sent me in my midnight hours
and there is nothing there

i replay our conversations
word for word
that we just had
and need a few moments
to realize it was all but a dream

do you come to me at night
and talk to me?
is it really you
slipping into my subconcious
reaching out
holding on


because i feel you


for weeks

i feel you

and the sadness you leave behind is real

i feel you
come and go
over and over
and it’s like loving you all over again

my heart has never mastered the letting go
you bring me

in dreams
you find me

hold on so tight
to fade away in the early morning hours

i feel you

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you can’t

you can’t be my moment

my one

my only memory of what true love is

i beg

i plead

to whoever can hear my silent voice

that this isn’t it

that you weren’t my one and only

the one i think of when i think of


the person i compare everyone to
whether i want to or not

i need to believe

that out there

someone exists

just to love me

they way you never did

that you are not my example

of the love i deserve

i can get clouded

from time to time

when my mind wanders

to fingertips and naked skin

lips to soul

hearts on fire

oh god baby did you ever feel like love

but you also felt like


i can’t

you can’t be

this can’t be

what loves’ memory leaves behind

you can’t be
what i remember of love

a beautiful lie
that i begged to be true

you can’t be

the one i think of

​because your love

was sub-par at best

conditioned and controlled

lie after lie

you were only satisfied when i fell apart

when i broke for you

longed for you

died for you

i can’t

i just can’t


there isn’t more

that i don’t deserve more

than the memory of what

you made me think

love looked like

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it took eighteen months

to interlace my fingers with someone else
and not pull away
not twinge
and wish they were yours

eighteen months
(one year and 6 months)
to kiss someone else
lips that didn’t belong to you

eighteen months
to kiss someone
like they weren’t a friend

to be able to kiss lips without imagining yours

eighteen months it took

to say the words “i love you”
and mean it – kind of

eighteen months

silenced by my love for you

you who was never worthy

eighteen months

to relearn, to grieve, to undo the damage that was done
by loving you so much

eighteen months
into me

eighteen months
and i have yet to let any other man
touch my skin
give me goosebumps
let them in

but i will
oh i will

because you were never deserving
of what it was
of what i gave to you
over and over and over
so freely – with all my heart

it took you no time
to let someone else love you

it took you no time
to bare your skin and let someone else own it

and that’s the difference

you loved the other one

all the while pretending to love me too

eighteen months
it took me

to realize

i love you not

and you were never
not once
not ever – ever worth it

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you always questioned my love for you

how could i love you and yet be in the situation i was in

the question drove me mad
could you not see it? feel it?
how could you not get how much i loved you?

you went above and beyond to show me
that you would do anything for me

spoke of your ex in the most unflattering ways
(who is not and maybe never was your ex?)

you gave me an open window in to your life
and told me there were no secrets

i was hesitant
because hey – didn’t you say that before?
and wasn’t it a lie?

since you

i have not been able to kiss someone with passion

i’ve had no desire to be intimate

no desire for cuddles or spooning

i’ve not wanted one thing with anyone else that i had wanted with you

and that’s a long time
to go without

but when you have had a taste
of the love i had with you
it’s hard to find that with anyone else

so i go without – and am ok with that

and then…

something made me go look for you

and i found you
and it was open for the world to see

and i saw everything

you know – those times where you were loving me
all about me
only me

well you were all about loving her too

pictures don’t lie
time stamps don’t lie

but you?
wow – did you ever lie!!!!

when you were telling me how you couldn’t stand looking at her

you were taking pictures with her – captioning them “love”

you lied to me

you questioned my love
and here i am over a year later – unable to let anyone get close to me. to touch me. to kiss me.

and there you are
doing all those things

with the person that repulsed you
(your words not mine)

the window into your account was very brief
and i believe i was lead there
to confirm with my own eyes

what a horrible being you are

i know how to love
and i know how to let go

you…on the other hand
have no idea
no concept of what real love is

love does not do
what you did
and what you still do

you are not love

i am so grateful
so unbelievabley grateful
of where i am right now
and that you are no longer part of it

had i known all this
i never would have grieved so much

you were my biggest lesson
and oh the things i learned

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