eighteen

it took eighteen months

to interlace my fingers with someone else
and not pull away
not twinge
and wish they were yours

eighteen months
(one year and 6 months)
to kiss someone else
lips that didn’t belong to you

eighteen months
to kiss someone
like they weren’t a friend

to be able to kiss lips without imagining yours

eighteen months it took

to say the words “i love you”
and mean it – kind of

eighteen months

silenced by my love for you

you who was never worthy

eighteen months

to relearn, to grieve, to undo the damage that was done
by loving you so much

eighteen months
invested
into me

eighteen months
and i have yet to let any other man
touch my skin
give me goosebumps
let them in

but i will
oh i will

because you were never deserving
of what it was
of what i gave to you
over and over and over
so freely – with all my heart

it took you no time
to let someone else love you

it took you no time
to bare your skin and let someone else own it

and that’s the difference

you loved the other one

all the while pretending to love me too

eighteen months
it took me

to realize

i love you not

and you were never
not once
not ever – ever worth it

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liar

you always questioned my love for you

how could i love you and yet be in the situation i was in

the question drove me mad
could you not see it? feel it?
how could you not get how much i loved you?

you went above and beyond to show me
that you would do anything for me

spoke of your ex in the most unflattering ways
(who is not and maybe never was your ex?)

you gave me an open window in to your life
and told me there were no secrets

i was hesitant
because hey – didn’t you say that before?
and wasn’t it a lie?

since you

i have not been able to kiss someone with passion

i’ve had no desire to be intimate

no desire for cuddles or spooning

i’ve not wanted one thing with anyone else that i had wanted with you

and that’s a long time
to go without

but when you have had a taste
of the love i had with you
it’s hard to find that with anyone else

so i go without – and am ok with that

and then…

something made me go look for you

and i found you
and it was open for the world to see

and i saw everything

you know – those times where you were loving me
all about me
only me

well you were all about loving her too

pictures don’t lie
time stamps don’t lie

but you?
wow – did you ever lie!!!!

when you were telling me how you couldn’t stand looking at her

you were taking pictures with her – captioning them “love”

you lied to me
every.single.day.

you questioned my love
and here i am over a year later – unable to let anyone get close to me. to touch me. to kiss me.

and there you are
doing all those things

with the person that repulsed you
(your words not mine)

the window into your account was very brief
and i believe i was lead there
to confirm with my own eyes

what a horrible being you are

i know how to love
and i know how to let go

you…on the other hand
have no idea
no concept of what real love is

love does not do
what you did
and what you still do

you are not love

i am so grateful
so unbelievabley grateful
of where i am right now
and that you are no longer part of it

had i known all this
i never would have grieved so much

you were my biggest lesson
and oh the things i learned

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stop

just stop

whatever it is you do

wherever you are

i need you to stop

making peace

with the hand i’ve been dealt

has been a torturous feat

getting over you – and forcing my heart to understand

that we don’t belong

was the hardest thing i have ever had to do

if you ever loved me

truly – ever loved me

you would erase me – us

from your memory

i know our connection

i know it cannot be severed

but if this is you

thinking of me

reaching out to me

please

stop

i cannot live a life

where i love and cannot have

i cannot love someone

who destroys me

reduces me

i vowed

to never

no not ever

go back to the girl

loving you turned me in to

hollow

broken

dead

love is not those things

so i beg you

just stop

twice in 2 weeks – i see this

it is not coincidence

and so i beg of you

please stop

 

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sick

i forgot our ending

i really did

today was the first day in over a year i logged in to our old email account

only because i got a notification

(imagine what my heart did when it saw your name)

so i re read our last email

and i felt sick to my stomach

i didn’t feel sad, wanting or needing

i felt sick

you walked away
you stopped

i gave you truth
and you abandoned me

make no mistake
i am very ok with it

feeling anxious, sick to my stomach
angry about all the lies i fell for

angry at how you string her along
(or was it me being strung along the whole time?)

but i was the one in the wrong yes?

i literally feel sick inside

sick…that i had loved you so much

i didn’t even know you

i still don’t

sick that i kept falling for a lie

for you

 

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awakened

you changed me

you changed me in ways i never thought possible

changes others see in me
and yet i was blind

you cracked me open
and exposed my dark parts

i feel naked
i feel raw

since you opened me up – i see the dark in others
and now others can see mine

i have no interest in anything other than my own growth

i have no desire to be sexual – to flirt
this is the year i put all my love and energy in to me

i’ve lost so much this year
(or gained – depending on which way you look at it)

i can count on two hands – how many people i had to let go of this year
because i had to

some who i have known for decades
some i considered close – like family
some from my past, who tried making a grand entrance once again
new friends that i bonded with right away…
only to have to walk away

all of them for the exact same reason

they want my dark
they sense my dark
they want me to give them all my dark, secret parts

i blamed myself for a long time
every single day i wondered – what was it that i was doing
what was i saying? what did my body language tell people?

it’s not me

it’s what you did to me

people pick it up from a fb profile picture – how is that even possible?

i can look across the room and i know
i know who is dark
i know who carries a sexual hunger inside them that is insatiable
i know their bodies carry secrets…
i know – because they are exactly like me

who you made me

and they come to me
and test the waters
some slowly – and some straight to the point

the dark recognize the dark in others

friends, married couples (who are close friends) strangers who become friends
old friends from highschool who i haven’t talked to in decades
married men

they seek me out
and i soon discover
that they want things

dark, beautiful, sexual things
they want them with me
they invite me in to their beds – in to their dark
they want their demons to play with mine

after speaking to a friend over the weekend
about all of these people
i asked – what is it that i’m doing?

what he said?

nothing.

he said that he has noticed a “sexiness” about me
an energy that just comes from me naturally
even in pictures
and people notice it

you awakened this darkness in me

and as i try to live my life in light and love

i am all consumed
in the darkness you awakened

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jupiter

I don’t think about you often

Or maybe I should say – I don’t think of you until my mind is ready to explode
And my heart falls apart

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that you will always – in some way
Be a constant in my life
But instead of taking up the whole room
I tuck you in to a corner
So I can breathe a little – live a little – have peace a little

You know – survival

I don’t lose sleep over you anymore
And I never cry

My heart and my mind finally understand
That it will not change a thing
Our end result is the same
That keeping me up all night to torture me
Has served no purpose

And so my heart and mind
Let you go
So I could live some semblance of a normal life

Whatever that means

Whatever it means – I am grateful

But last night

Last night, you crept in to my dreams
Allowed me no peace
Took that heart of mine and ripped it to shreds
Took my peace and created turmoil
In seconds – you took everything I worked so hard for
And made me a shell of the woman I was only hours before

I don’t remember much
I just saw your name written out over and over
You were throwing pictures of yourself at me
Every corner I turned
You were there

I would wake up
And as soon as I drifted back to sleep
The dream continued

Never ending

This morning
I woke up feeling as if I fought a war
And became your casualty

Today
I am not myself
Beat up by the memory of you
Exhausted by you

And – yes
A little (a lot) sad

I’m sure the torture you put me through
Would make you happy
After all – you love it when I mourn you – ache for you – pine for you

Driving this morning
Trying to shake you from me
I glance ahead
And see the license plate

“Jupiter”

And the only person in the world
Who would know what that means

Is you

I was meant to feel you
And so I did

And now I write

In hopes to let it go

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the saddest part

of getting over you

is losing the one thing that kept me together

writing

with getting closure

with knowing we are not meant for eachother

with moving on

i lost the two things that ever meant something to me

you

and my voice

my silence means i’m content

but sometimes

oh sometimes

i wish a little rain would fall

so i can bathe in my sadness

and write my masterpiece

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